Unanticipated

I did not want to write about this topic at all. I didn’t want to write about this ever again. Especially in 2018. But the natural pattern of grief and sadness dictates its own terms and you are merely along for the ride.

There I was, three times today, crying over the relationship that never was and that I still hope very much for. Thought I was well beyond it, back on the road to feeling stronger and independent. Moving forward living my life. Then next thing I know I’m crying in a bathroom stall at work. How unforeseen it was and how powerless I felt.

This is all me working through it and no one else causing it. Just me. And it’s just how it goes. Grief isn’t linear nor predictable nor packaged in a way that can be easily unwrapped and understood.

I know that 17 January 2018 is nothing like mid July 2017 when my thoughts were the darkest they’d ever been. 2018 is my year to pursue equilibrium and calm. No matter what and one sad day of grieving and an early departure from work is no cause for me to abandon those goals. I knew I wasn’t ok yet. And I also know that I’ll be carrying this with me for a long time yet to come.

I do have, however, much empirical evidence from the past several months, since my late March return from Korea when everything was going wrong. Evidence that demonstrates over and over that life moves forward and good things happen. I surely will survive anything this situation throws at me.

Just like this passage says, I do not expect this to end anytime soon. I’ve accepted it and it’s ok. Someone imprinted on my heart so deeply and I loved him with all of my being, so of course this is bound to happen.

The heart is oh so slow to catch up with the mind, is it not? ❤️💔🖤

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