Happy beginning of Spring! Here in northern Virginia we got snow dumped on us last night and today. It is quite pretty I must admit. And everything gets really quiet blanketed in snow. Takes me back to my childhood in Maine (where this happened much more frequently…).
The best part of today was hanging out in pajamas doing practically nothing. The government was closed because of the weather so I lounged about. Made a couple phone calls, did a little coloring, loads of laundry, and of course some writing.
Such an interesting turn of events with my writing as of late. After shutting down both of my blogs for a couple weeks to recalibrate, I made them both public a couple days ago. Imagine my surprise when I saw all kind of hits on particular posts. Months old posts at that! Seems my stalker just won’t go away. I don’t understand the interest. Stalker likes to share with other people too it seems. Is my writing that profound? It’s a stupid blog so I don’t get it.
It’s apparent that nothing will change regarding the intractable situation I still find myself in with someone who categorically refuses to be clear about what he wants. Wants in my pants one day, ignores me the next. Won’t pick a side. Would rather everyone else do it for him and then he’s the victim. Things will have been done to him in that case. There’s nothing new here. It just bubbles up and makes me fucking livid every now and then. I’m not the real victim, powerless to change. That particular person I feel very very sorry for.
As time passes, I’m seeing different choices emerging, things I can do to exercise control over my environment rather than have someone else dictate the terms. There’s a whole lot of control I do have over my own life with respect to goals and dreams. And plenty of ways to use this current shitstorm to propel myself to where I want to be. I don’t mind leveraging all the tools I have within reach.
This has been a long, long road. I don’t anticipate I’ll know peace or be free of restlessness and anxiety for another five months or so. But anyone can adjust to any circumstances or hardship. It’s proven over and over and in worse situations. It’s all about day to day sustainment and reminders that no amount of effort or attempting to change the situation will ever work. Not with someone who just wants to sit there and suffer. Changes are internal only. No blame, just perseverance with an undertone of bitterness carefully preserved for added strength. I’ll be calling on that quite a bit in the near future. 🙂