Aggravated Diametric Calamity

Happy beginning of Spring! Here in northern Virginia we got snow dumped on us last night and today. It is quite pretty I must admit. And everything gets really quiet blanketed in snow. Takes me back to my childhood in Maine (where this happened much more frequently…).

My view out my front door.

The best part of today was hanging out in pajamas doing practically nothing. The government was closed because of the weather so I lounged about. Made a couple phone calls, did a little coloring, loads of laundry, and of course some writing.

In jammies. All day.

Such an interesting turn of events with my writing as of late. After shutting down both of my blogs for a couple weeks to recalibrate, I made them both public a couple days ago. Imagine my surprise when I saw all kind of hits on particular posts. Months old posts at that! Seems my stalker just won’t go away. I don’t understand the interest. Stalker likes to share with other people too it seems. Is my writing that profound? It’s a stupid blog so I don’t get it.

It’s apparent that nothing will change regarding the intractable situation I still find myself in with someone who categorically refuses to be clear about what he wants. Wants in my pants one day, ignores me the next. Won’t pick a side. Would rather everyone else do it for him and then he’s the victim. Things will have been done to him in that case. There’s nothing new here. It just bubbles up and makes me fucking livid every now and then. I’m not the real victim, powerless to change. That particular person I feel very very sorry for.


As time passes, I’m seeing different choices emerging, things I can do to exercise control over my environment rather than have someone else dictate the terms. There’s a whole lot of control I do have over my own life with respect to goals and dreams. And plenty of ways to use this current shitstorm to propel myself to where I want to be. I don’t mind leveraging all the tools I have within reach.

shitfallingapartThis has been a long, long road. I don’t anticipate I’ll know peace or be free of restlessness and anxiety for another five months or so. But anyone can adjust to any circumstances or hardship. It’s proven over and over and in worse situations. It’s all about day to day sustainment and reminders that no amount of effort or attempting to change the situation will ever work. Not with someone who just wants to sit there and suffer. Changes are internal only. No blame, just perseverance with an undertone of bitterness carefully preserved for added strength. I’ll be calling on that quite a bit in the near future. 🙂


This is suspect, but I’d like to think there is truth in this quote. (Spoken by John Lennon or Ed Sheeran or someone…)


  • Things will become positive and thus the “not ok” things are over and ended
  • The “not ok” things become so irrelevant and unimportant that said things are now “ok”
  • All of a sudden everything is “ok” thus marking the point of your demise and your “end”
  • It’s a mindfuck that prolongs your recovery in life by hanging onto the hope that the “not ok” things are still ever present and real and continuing because they are “not ok”

Maybe I should just try to sleep and cease this pointless analytical exercise.

Here we go. Through life’s trials and tribulations things become ok. There’s clarity for you.


Change or be changed.

Change in appearance is a fun, low-risk option.

Change happens to you whether you welcome it or not. However, taking an active role in making life changes can be beneficial. If circumstances can lead to and result in predictable behaviors and reactions, then could the logic follow that behaviors and actions result in specific circumstances? I’ve never been a “think positive thoughts and great things will happen” kind of girl. It’s a bunch of bullshit I think.


But what about behaviors? Can changing actions or behaviors then lead to positive circumstances and maybe a feel-good side effect? That’s something I can get behind.

I just came across an article that tickled my gray matter. How to Change Your Life in 30 Days, by Benjamin Hardy, discusses the concepts of self-signaling (change your behavior to change your perception of your identity) and precognition (behaviors and thoughts can lead to predictable internal states to enact change). I won’t discuss the article further, but I recommend you read it.

One’s perception of their identity can be changed through behavior.

Most change-your-life advice out there seems to preach willpower. Pick one desired new action/activity, make it a habit by repeating it, and then you have permanent change. Perhaps changing behavior for the sake of achieving a desired identity (a cool writer chick and not a sad reject) and a better internal state (i.e. not fucking miserable) is a more productive and comprehensive approach.


I’ve done lots of reflecting on what life change means and what it takes to achieve it. It can be reasonably assumed that people desire change for the better and since the only thing we can control in life is our own actions, that’s a good place to start.


The army forces change on me approximately every three years. Physically moving to a new geographic location is significant and brings with it new routines and behaviors. I’ve sometimes thought of it as a good chance to start over. Other times, those moves bring out the worst due to the stress of it all. Any reader of my blog knows that last year’s move was one such time. I allowed circumstances, and actions of one individual, to change me and not for the better. I can’t go back and do anything to reverse the shame and utter humiliation of that time period, but I can examine and determine what gets written on the blank slate before me.


Identity and precognition. Who do I want to be and what actions do I take to get the intended results?  It’s really, really nice to have the appetite for reflecting on such things again. 🙂